Spiritual squats

The other day I bent over to pick something up off the floor and my legs almost gave out from under me. I had no idea why my legs felt so weak. A little while later (and many times bending over to pick something up...an occupational hazard as a mother) I remembered that a day or two before my family had gone to clean our church building. One of the jobs I had was to clean both sides of all the glass doors. It is a big building, and there are a LOT of glass doors. My 8 year old joined me on this task and we did a lot of squats as we cleaned and dried up and down the doors. Occasionally, well, more than occasionally we had to redo a door because one of my younger kids would come running up and see me on the other side of the door and plaster their handprint on the glass to say hi. It is not a stretch to say in the space of about an hour, I cleaned almost every door at least twice.

That's a lot of squats. My body for two days afterwards proclaimed, "I protesteth!"

At the strangest times, even just standing still, one of my quads would give way and my legs would buckle. I was wobbly, my balance was a bit off and there was definite discomfort. But, knowing what I do about our physical bodies, my legs actually GAINED strength from that exercise. If I keep it up (which sad to say I'm not inclined to continue doing a bunch of squats everyday), my muscles will become stronger, my balance will improve and I will not experience the same discomfort...until I push myself beyond my comfort zone again.

This got me to thinking...

In my 12 step group for spouses of addicts, this week we read step 3. It is all about trusting in God. This is one area I have struggled with from the time I joined the church 17 years ago. Some stages in my life it has been more of a struggle than others. Discovering the multiple betrayals by my husband deeply impacted my ability to trust ANYONE. Including myself. I felt everyone, including myself, had let me down. I had no idea how to just trust God and give Him my burden to carry. It sounded so easy, so simple.

I tried to visualize the words "my trust" written on a pretty piece of paper and wrapped up in a present with a bow that I handed to the Lord. I tried to visualize myself kneeling at his feet and asking Him to take it. I said it multiple times in prayer..."God, I give this to you. Please take it and take care of me."

I noticed no difference. I still felt distant and alone. It was as if I was on the other side of the glass door and couldn't access Him or hear Him. I knew He was there, busily working. But I couldn't seem to get to Him. Every now and then I could sense a small wave or smile from the other side of the glass letting me know He sees me too. But it was still so frustrating to not be able to get to Him.

I am sure that I have left many of my own hand prints on the glass as I tried to get to Him or even as I have tried to work "with" Him. And almost every time, He would have had to clean off my smudges as I fumble my way along.

So how is it done? How do I come to trust Him? If that is essential to my growth and healing - which I know it is - how do I do it?

One spiritual squat at a time.

My little children do not have the physical strength to spend an hour doing squats cleaning windows. They would tire out before we were even half way done. I know this, and because I know their ability, I do not expect them to do that job on their own. They were given smaller tasks suited to their strengths, abilities, height and attention span.

God does not expect me (or anyone else) to be able to do more than we are capable. Yes, we are expected to stretch. But there is a limit to that as well. If we stretch for too long or too far, we will injure ourselves. He is not asking me to give Him my complete trust right now. He knows I am not capable of doing that. But He is asking me to give all I can. To stretch. To work up a bit of a sweat. To be willing to have wobbly legs.

Here are some ways I do spiritual squats:
-pray, even or ESPECIALLY when it is hard.
-read my scriptures, even or ESPECIALLY when it's hard...and look for evidence in the scriptures of how others have trusted God and how He blessed them.

Nephi is an amazing example of this. He was willing to try - "And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." 1Ne 3:7. He trusted that God would lead him, even when he didn't know the way: "And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do." 1Ne 4:6. He was obedient, following the promptings he received, even though it was hard....VERY HARD: "Therefore I did obey the voice of the Spirit." 1Ne 4:18.

-look for tender mercies from God in my life and show gratitude for those gifts.
-testify to others of how God has blessed me.
-express a desire to trust...or even a desire to WANT to trust and ask God to build on that.
-look at and learn from past experiences where I have tried and was successful and was not successful. Ask God to teach me what happened in each situation. Don't beat myself up for when I wasn't successful. Learn from it.
-act on promptings or impressions I receive, even if I'm not sure. The ONLY way to learn the difference between my voice, the voice of the Spirit or "other" voices, is by experience. I can use the knowledge we have been given about how the Spirit works to try and decipher the source of my impression. But the only real test (so far as I have learned) is to act.

"For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God." Moroni 7:16 "And behold, there were divers ways that he did manifest things unto the children of men, which were good; and all things which are good cometh of Christ." Moroni 7:24.

And if I find I followed the wrong voice? Well, God has an amazing glass cleaner that can remove any smudge I leave. He can even repair the entire glass if I really mess up and break it.

God teaches us line up on line. That is how the Savior learned as well. I can learn to trust Him line upon line, baby step by baby step. Squat by squat.

Yes, it is hard. VERY HARD. But we can do hard things. We can do ALL THINGS with Christ. We don't have to do this alone. He doesn't want us to do this alone. That is not His plan. His plan is for us to try, to get wobbly legs, get off balance, FALL OVER, and then, using the strength we have built up in our spiritual legs by the exercises we have already done that build our strength, TAKE THE LORD'S HAND, and try again. Each time gaining strength, courage and stability.

Occasionally we will fall and have a hard time getting back up again. Sometimes we are just so TIRED. He will wait for us, as we spend a bit of time on our knees (or flat on our face on the ground) resting, praying, regaining our courage and belief in ourselves, and allowing His power to restore us with enough strength to lift our leg. Just one leg at a time.

That is how I am coming to trust God.